The Plight of the Girl Child

 


There are just so many different ways in which the patriarchal system of family and society in Bangladesh are hindering the socio-economic emancipation of women. Women may have right to vote, to work, to get education, to inherit and so on, but when it comes down the most basic right, the right to think- freedom of thought- our society is still entrapped between the suffocating grills of patriarchal values, which sadly are being sustained and invigorated by women themselves. There are of course the more common ways in which women lend support to repressive male-culture, like in matters of family where the male member is treated like a demi-god as he is the ‘head’ or wage-earner of the family even when the wife enjoys financial independence. Or, in matters of marriage or divorce for that matter where the men enjoy a more privileged status and women are often made outcastes by women in their own circles. But I would like to point out there are at least two more subtle ways in which women are reinforcing their own repression by patriarchy. Bangladeshi women discriminate their own female children because of their belief in certain misguided patriarchal values. The first is by granting a higher status to fair-skinner women and then by teaching different set of values to their male and female children.

Creation and pertinence of gender stereotypes by women themselves have also not furthered the cause of women’s emancipation from patriarchal roles. What most women fail to achieve that racism is not just limited to inter-racial conflicts; it can even encompass intra-racial differences. The way society that constantly grants fair-skinned women greater status, only cements the divide over skin color. Dark-skinned women are still castigated in society which still ranks the worth of a woman on the basis of her potential value in the marriage market. Will she get enough marriage proposals to choose from before she reaches 25? Will the groom’s family accept her for her own qualities or expect compensation in kind for her lack of beauty? Is she fair enough to be liked by most grooms and their parents? Will fairness products help her look brighter? These are the questions that plague the minds and hearts of most parents who have been blessed with daughters. Despite the dowry system being condemned for being repressing and abusive and asking for it being made a punishable offence, covert requests for gifts from the brides’ families is still common practice. This is particularly truer for girls who are dark-skinned as their families feel that they need to somehow compensate the grooms for the girls’ skin tone. This manifests how this society still equals fair-skin to superior beauty and assesses a woman’s worth based on that, as if her intelligence and personality are of no consequence. Women are treated as goods that are to be traded, and, the fairer the skin, the higher the value. This in turn reflects how women are blatantly objectified and subjugated as objects that have to be disposed off or debts that need to be settled! What is most interesting about this particular phenomenon is how it is often women who marginalize other women for their skin color even their male counterparts get the privilege to do the same! It is more often the groom mother, who, without paying any heed to the color of her own skin or her son’s or even his general appearance, starts of on a quest to find the ‘fair and lovely’ bride for the son. Little regard is paid to whether the son himself is ‘fair and lovely’ or deserving of a bride who actually is. This is of course because he is a man and is not required to meet these sometimes impossible standards of beauty. What is most tragic, however, is how even the mothers of daughters either hand their daughters fairness creams to ‘brighten’ skin color or worse still curse their dark-skinned daughters for their lack of marriage-ability. Young girls watch television commercials of products that guarantee to reverse the dark tone of the skin and make it ‘fair and lovely’ and buy into the fable that being fair is the be all and end all of a woman’s life. As a result, the myth continues that a woman’s importance in society can actually be measured by these shallow standards of beauty. Once again, the myth rules that women can only be perceived or given significance in terms of their physical assets.

A clear distinction between the social values taught to male and female children is another behavior that is symptomatic of women themselves strengthening the hold of a patriarchal system. It is a known fact that in Bangladesh, it is the women of the household who are in charge of the passing on and teaching of family, social and moral values. Hence, both male and female children usually directly learn about the basics of their respective roles in society from the women of the household, be it their mothers, grandmothers, aunts or elder sisters and cousins. And herein lays the dichotomy of male and female values. Young girls in our society are taught to be careful when they are outside, keep a distance from strangers, not to get too close to men, to protect their chastity and innocence and most of all, to cover themselves up as best as possible. Young girls are usually not allowed to play outdoor sports out in public once they have reached adolescence. Girls are also warned about being ‘modest’ during their interactions with boys in order to make sure that the former’s reputation is not stained. Now some say that these practices are in place for the protection of these young women. However, this argument has very weak logic. If the threat to the girls’ security is the boys, shouldn’t the boys also be taught the same codes of conduct so that they don’t feel inclined to violate a woman or her space? Young boys, of the same age, are not given any such lessons on appropriate social behavior resulting in them learning a complete different set of values. Rather, these boys are taught to confront, be comfortable in their role as the wage-earner, the more forward sex, to go outside and play regardless of their age simply because they are men who do not fear assault from the opposite gender and to mix freely as possible without the fear of tarnishing their reputation.. Here the values are conflicting. The same female members are teaching totally disagreeing values to the children. Unless the young men are taught to respect the women, to treat them as equals instead of an under-privileged minority, and not encroach upon women’s personal space by even ogling them shamelessly, the security of young girls or older women will always remain uncertain. These women, the upholders, the commissaries of values, are only making the world less safe for future generations of women, by upholding the patriarchal belief that male and female children should not be given equal degrees of physical freedom as children.

I would like to believe that all women dream of a better future for their children, be they male or female. However, our current socio-cultural practices, which seem to benefit only the masculine segment of the populace in becoming omnipotent, would probably help to create a world unsafe and unfair to women born even generations after us. That is of course, if our ways go undeterred, unacknowledged and unchanged despite being regressive and oppressive.


Dated: August, 2007

The Closet Patriarch


"For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.""
-- Audre Lorde

Most of us have undoubtedly grown up in households that were in essence governed by conservative, masculine values under the umbrella of religion and social acceptance. i've observed traditional patriarchal systems closely, both at home and outside. i've lived with and revolted against patriarchy all my life. till some time ago, i used to think that i could spot a patriarch from a mile. i was wrong.

Generally speaking though, it’s easy to identify a patriarch when he's within familiar settings and is playing his part to every dismissive shrug. The dominant, need-to-be-and-quite-used-to-being-heard attitude, the compulsive need to be right and righteous, and of course the need to be accepted, respected and obeyed as the master or provider or both. The father provides for the family and by laws dictated by social norms, the household automatically subjugates itself to him. The whole i tarzan you jane; i hunt, you cook isn't just a funny bit from a book or cartoon, it's the reality of most households i've seen.

Patriarchy is innately discriminatory. I don’t even need to explain how accepting a man as your master simply because he's providing for your keep can lead to unequal and repressive power structures. Patriarchs by nature (or perhaps due to their nurture in a system that perpetuates patriarchy) are usually the men in the room trying to dominate the conversations, the one's who make the most sexist, chauvinist, and the most objectionable comments about women, by not just objectifying them but by also undermining their credibility. In most cases, he interrupts your conversation, tells you you're a twit who should be at home minding a kitchen, a husband and the kids or that in more extreme cases tells you that all the women in the world ought to be thrown in the furnace of domesticity. People such as him, are easy to handle. You know they won't pay heed to logic. You’ve learned that when logic fails them they will try to hide under the blanket of religion and society. You’ve seen them treat their wives, sisters and mothers like porcelain dolls who are meant to be admired for their aesthetic value but not credited with functionality. To be fair to them they are more or less vocal about their stance on this matter. They are easy to identify and hence easy to deal with. You know they will be difficult, you know cannot change their values simply because the higher up you are, the harder the fall, and patriarchs are at the top of the power structure and honestly who would want to let go? I meet them everyday when I walk home alone in the evenings and they stare at disbelief at the young girl strolling alone after dark without a chaperone, at weddings and functions when i make comments about politics or world affairs as they are mortified by my attempt to speak up and also at university when my voice is louder then theirs. I’ve accepted them as a part of my life and I deal with them with nothing but impersonal distance and an almost elitist disdain. I feel no shame in admitting this. but i fear, that in the present day and age, when feminism is fast spreading, liberalism or some pretense to it is omnipresent among the circles of the educated classes, religious bigotry is frowned upon and most importantly the fear of lawsuits or of becoming a social or economic pariah prevails at the very mention of 'sexual harassment' or 'gender discrimination', not to mention the onslaught and ensuing fear of ‘political incorrectness' and 'labeling' in our society. None really want to be overtly patriarchal now. Be it in a social or a business environment, everyone will always try to be politically correct. No man will openly display chauvinism or admit to misogyny. Of course they all believe in equal rights and by the same truth pigs fly. Nonetheless, patriarchs are far from becoming a dying breed. They’ve evolved into a newer, more determined group of sociopaths who are still strong proponents of a male dominated power structure. in come the neo-patriarchs, the once hiding behind a facade of liberalism and political correctness, telling you how much they respect women, shunning the shackles of religion and society and apparently embracing your voice, your intelligence and your rights, but underneath it all they're just waiting to strike that one blow, the coup de grace, that will covertly, once and for all, establish their male superiority over you.

The closet patriarch is smooth. He’s über-urban, slick, and well-educated. He is as the song goes ‘fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care’. He knows the Plaths, Greers and Lordes of the world. He can understand and can discuss misogyny and hegemony with you. He says that he feels your plight. Of course he allows the women in his life to have lives outside of the domestic realm and most importantly he treats you as an equal.

You work with them, you go to school with them, and you may even be in a relationship with these smooth operators. But then one day, like a bolt from the blue (pardon the cliché), they strike and you are taught the lesson—all animals are equal. some are more equal than others!

If you observe closely, the closet patriarch bears some intrinsic resemblance to his forefathers.

Despite the fact that he is aware of feminist theories and can quote Rich or Plath, he never admits to an understanding of their philosophies. He never champions the struggle of these women. Of course we don’t expect him to comprehend Plaths’s depression, but can he empathize with the repression she faced? He says he knows them, but he means he knows about them. He will never admire them and will always regard them with a vain condescension.

He understands ‘feminist’ theories he says. He has read articles, theories and essays on the subject. He concedes the existence of an unequal power structure. He admits that women do face discrimination. However, he never misses the chance to label an outspoken colleague as a feminist or a strong-willed female friend as bossy. Intelligent women intimidate him, though he would never admit it, even to himself. So he never fails to criticize, deride or taunt them. When it comes to put you down for your educational, professional or intellectual prowess, he will always be the one to throw the first stone. But ofcourse, he thinks that you are a 'nice' person and that you should be 'given' your rights.

His wife is probably very feminine . She too believes that women should be 'given' their rights. He loves to brag about how well she cooks and how she takes care of him, but you will never hear him praise her on performance in the professional arena. And without a doubt it is imperative that she always be a step or more behind him in the ladder to social success.

My dear friends, these are the men we need to protect ourselves against. They no longer wear long beards or tell you to go cover ourselves. They want you to be naked so that when they strike the blow you feel not just the brunt of it but also your own vulnerability. He won't tell you he's your master. He will work his way into your thoughts, your plans, your work and then your life. He will make you feel like he understands and he empathizes. But bear in mind, he understands because he inflicts and he empathizes because your misery feeds his ego. Afterall, he knows what you know, because it was always a His rule that you followed 
and a His rule that you broke.  And at the end of the day, 
the master's tool really cannot dismantle the master's house.